Insecurity, you ARE the weakest link....GOODBYE!

Have you had something from your past haunt you?  Have you ever been reminded of what you've done, where you've come from or what you've been about?  Don't you just love how those memories creep up at the most inopportune times?   It seems to happen right before a big presentation at work, a job interview, before you walk in front of a crowd, just as you are about to open the door to your family reunion, right as you step out to do something bold......the insecurities and the fear start to choke the life out of us.

I experienced this exact feeling this past week.  In February, I started singing with the worship band at my church.  This was a big thing for me.....you see, a month prior to that, I was singing praise music from a prison cell.  Yes, you read that correctly!  For those of you who don't know me personally, let me give you a quick synopsis.

Last year, March 14th, I was sentenced to the Indiana Women's Prison for nine months.  It was a shock to say the least.  I never imagined that I would ever be in such a situation.  But God had big plans for this dark time in my life and now, looking back at what came from that experience, I don't think I would trade it in for the world.  However, there are moments that I can't forget where I was just a short couple of months ago.  

Singing with the band on Sunday is a surreal experience.  It is humbling to know that someone as flawed as I am, can still be overwhelmed with the presence of God.  For me, a music lover, being there in the middle of the music is what ushers in the waves of God's glory.  Standing there surrounded by instruments, the music literally envelopes me.  The notes and vibrations encircle me and I begin to feel like there is nothing but the music, me and God.  It is emotionally and spiritually breathtaking.

A couple of weeks ago, I was asked if I might be willing to actually lead the music so that our normal worship leader could have a couple of Sundays off.  I said yes, but it wasn't without a lot of fear, insecurity and a little of, "Are you kidding??? You want me???". Those feelings of fear and insecurity wasn't because I doubted my ability. No, it was because I doubted God's forgiveness and redemption.I couldn't believe that God had transformed me and picked me up out of my sin in order to use me in such a way. 

I made it through the first couple of weeks and then just as I was starting to get in the groove (no pun intended), it hit me.  The plan for me to lead went from being just a couple of weeks to a couple of months.  I had to swallow a lump in my throat, but I accepted the extra responsibility and then within a weeks time, I was told that the plan had changed and this past Sunday would be the last Sunday I needed to fill in as worship leader.  The words hadn't even left the lips of my pastor when I felt a twinge in my heart that started to whisper, "It's because you weren't doing a good job.  You know they don't want you to keep leading because you don't sing as well as the normal leader.  Don't you see, the church doesn't like your style."  All lies from the enemy.  I had started to get a glimpse of God's redemption at work and the enemy sharpens his arrow and shoots for the weakest link in my heart....insecurity.  I am sure that I'm not the only person with this weak link.  Isn't there a bit of insecurity in all of us?  The enemy has "insecurity radar"....I am sure of it!

As I walked away from that conversation with my pastor, I simultaneously started praying and speaking to myself.  I prayed that God would help me to remember that I was just a servant.  That I was there to fill in, for as long as needed.  Because that timeframe had changed, didn't diminish me, my talent or my ability to be used by God.  I started telling myself that the insecurity I was feeling was not truth, but lies.  With God's help, I talked myself off the ledge and felt good about finishing my week as worship leader. 

The next day, the enemy struck again.  This time it was through someone else's words.  "You don't think that they asked you to suddenly stop filling in because someone at the church has an issue with your past prison sentence, do you?"  Immediately I emotionally curled up in the corner, wishing the world would pass me by, pay no attention and that God would find someone else to do His work.  It was an overwhelming sense of my past mistakes and failures.  It was a slap in the face....as if the enemy laughed and said, "Ha!  You only thought you were forgiven and redeemed.  No one will ever see you as anything more than a felon.  No one will ever believe you have changed.  God won't use you.  You'd be better off staying in the background."  I hadn't been more conscious of my past than in that moment.  And I wanted to shut down my blog, my ministry, my heart and just quit.  Then God pressed on my heart, the truth that overwrites the lies of the enemy.

"Therefore, there is now no condemnation for those who are in Christ Jesus,"Romans 8:1-3

Psalm 130:4
"But with you there is forgiveness, so that we can, with reverence, serve you."

Ephesians 1:7
"In him we have redemption through his blood, the forgiveness of sins, in accordance with the riches of God’s grace"

Psalm 13:5
"But I trust in your unfailing love; my heart rejoices in your salvation."

Romans 8:31

"What, then, shall we say in response to these things? If God is for us, who can be against us? "

In these verses, we read of God's love, His forgiveness and support of us.  These are just a few verses.  If I tried to write all of them out, I could fill a book...oh, wait!  There is a book - the Bible!  In times when we feel the walls of insecurity folding in on us, the word of God is the truth that can cover us and protect our hearts.  If not, we are buried in rubble and resorted to the painstaking process of digging our self esteem out of the mess.  We work hard to shore up the walls and we are attacked again and buried.  This is a tumultuous cycle.  The only way to break free from it, is to learn the truth.  Psalms 119 says, "Your word is a lamp to my feet, and a light to my path."  It is what can shine light into the dark corners of our fear and insecurity.  There is power in the truth. 

I have always loved Romans 8:31 (see above).  It has been a favorite of mine since I was about twelve years old.  In this stage of my life, it takes on a new meaning.  If God is for me, cheering me on to greatness, forgiving me and loving me.....then for one, who cares what anyone else may think about me or my past.  And two, what insecurity?  With God there isn't insecurity...He's our biggest fan!  The trouble comes when we try to find our security in ourselves and our abilities.  Then we become weak, scared and we start to crumble.  Real security comes from who we are in God because of what we've been given through Jesus.....forgiveness, strength, hope, redemption and a life eternal. This is the armor that should shield us from the attacks and lies the enemy loves to throw at us.  Guard your heart with the truth.  With that as your weapon, you can say, "Goodbye insecurity!".