Marriage in the real world

I can confidently declare myself as a "marriage expert." Well, an expert on what NOT to do in marriage....I am an expert on how to do it all wrong.

In the last blog, "If time could be bought on ebay", I shared that I joined a group that will be praying for husbands for the entire month of June. So let me warn you....my blogs this month are going to be marriage focused.  But let me encourage you that no matter if you are married, divorced, single, a young adult still dating and experiencing puppy love....we can all learn more on the subject of relationships....especially those involving the other sex.

Now, "relationship" for you might come in a different form than I...my "relationship" is in the marriage form.  But these ideas and lessons and experiences I share with you, will be beneficial in many different forms of relationships.

Although I am a self proclaimed expert on how not to do marriage....let me encourage you as well to share your thoughts and ideas. I think we might be able to learn from each other.

Before we dive into any marriage revelations, let me just share with you a quick synopsis of my marriage of 14 years.

Shane, my husband, and I met while working on a Christian music tour. Shane will tell you that it wasn't soon after we met that he was interested in me.  I, however, was interested in someone else in our group and for 8 months or more, I had no idea how Shane felt.

There was a brief window where I broke up with this other band member and Shane and I were hanging out as friends when he finally came clean and told me how he felt.  I will spare you the whole mushy details...it is rather romantic though.  Anyway, we started dating, as much as you can date while traveling on the road doing three or four shows a day. 

While "dating" Shane, I was also sort of keeping the previous guy on the line, if you know what I mean. Yes, I was a player... I didn't just play the field, I ran the stadium.  Not my proudest moment.  But in the end, it all came out and the fur went flying.  I remember being in this little town in Alabama where the group had stopped for a lay over.  Shane, myself, one of our road managers and this other guy had a rather heated discussion to resolve the mess that I had created.

In the end, I was left feeling like the worst person ever and the shame and guilt was overwhelming.  I remember sitting in the park having this conversation and getting up from the picnic table we were all sitting at.  I walked away from the group...just wishing the world would open up and swallow me whole.  Crying doesn't even begin to describe the streams of tears that ran down my face.

I was sitting there alone, feeling rejected, cheap, shameful and rather disgusted with myself when I felt a hand on my shoulder.  It was Shane.  I immediately snapped at him and told him to leave me alone...he didn't want to be with someone like me.

He sat down next to me, took my hand and said that it didn't matter what had happened.  He forgave me and if I was willing to put the past behind me, so was he. He said this whole mess wasn't worth losing me over.

It was at that moment that I knew Shane was who I wanted to marry.  Someone who had that kind of compassion, a heart big enough to forgive and care about me inspite of my failures....that was the man I wanted to love forever.

Little did we know, years down the road, that I would push that heart almost to the breaking point.

I share that story with you because it is the story that best describes Shane.  Loving to a fault (if that can even be), forgiving when it seems unforgiveable, the definition of commitment and loyal as the day is long.

But marriage hasn't been easy.  I recently asked Shane if it would be accurate to say, that for the 14 years we have been married, there hasn't been a chunk of time where life was smooth sailing for us.  He agreed with me...it hasn't been an easy 14 years.

I am ashamed to say that 90% of the troubles and tragedies we have faced as a couple have been directly related to me and my shortcomings.  Ok, lets just call it on the carpet....its been a rough 14 years because of my sin.  There...I said it.

And the whole story of us in the park....well, that sums up the past 14 years.  Me making a mess....Shane patiently, lovingly cleaning it up. 

But that is the past....this is now.  Lord willing, we will celebrate another 14 years together, and those 14 years, while not perfect I know, will be full of love and happiness and laughs and great memories.

What I hope to share with you over the next 30 or so days are some of the things that we, as a couple, have walked through and the lessons learned from it. But what I also want to relay to you are the areas that we are still working on....like finding time together....quality, devoted, genuine time together. 
Learning to communicate how we feel instead of swallowing it and becoming passive aggressive.  Oh, and so many other areas. 

Since "time" has been on my mind lately....I think we'll start with that lesson first...